I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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