and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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