dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
