Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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