gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
