god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
