You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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