Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
