I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
