im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
