Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
