This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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