Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Drunk is a universal language darling
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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