Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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