in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
