textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
