I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
