i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
