Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
