your thong is hanging out like whoa
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
