my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
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I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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