I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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