God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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