im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
