Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
