did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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