your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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