i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
