Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
