Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
