It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
