I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
