Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
