Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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