3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
