She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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