i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
