So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
