All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Lo siento on account of my penis...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
