Life is so much better after having sex.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
