I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
