You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize