Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
