My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
