There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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