I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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