we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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