true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
