im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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