Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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