He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone shattered a urinal.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
