how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
