Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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