My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
