I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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