I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
