So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I could fuck to npr.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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