Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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