I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
