So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
