Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
