I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
