i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize