Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
