why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
