Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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