I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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