I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize